There is nothing more difficult for me than getting started. No matter how excited I am about a project, be it for school or for my own enjoyment, starting feels a little like the universe is torturing me. As cliched as it has become to say, my perfectionistic tendencies make it difficult for me to start, because I know my first – and second and third – drafts will be far from perfect.
Starting a blog is a project I have dreaded trying yet always wanted to do successfully. Setting it up is fun – choosing a template, uploading a photo, creating unnecessary navigational pages. I have spent too much of my time on the Internet trying and failing to start a blog due to the combination of my high expectations and commitment issues. Publishing my writing, whether it’s in a private journal or on a blog with ten thousand followers, requires more vulnerability than I have ever dreamed of being comfortable with. If you asked me what my biggest fear was and I trusted you enough not to lie, I would say it is being vulnerable. I don’t like being vulnerable with my best friend, my mother, or even my journal. Little by little, I’m trying to change that. This blog is my first step.
I’m taking a different approach to it this time. I didn’t spend hours fussing with the layout or creating a dozen pages no one will ever read. Instead, I chose the simplest template I could find, wrote a paragraph about myself, and proceeded to dive into this post. It has mistakes. It’s not perfect. I didn’t pour my heart out or share anything that made me feel too exposed. I could have crafted each sentence differently and expressed myself more eloquently.
But instead of obsessing over all of the things I could do differently, I’m choosing to publish it in all of its imperfection. Like me and all of my imperfections, I am putting this blog out into the world and trusting that with practice and patience, it will evolve and become something I can be proud of.
